COMMITTEES
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing and who collectively decide nothing can be done.
Outside of traffic nothing has held this country back as much as committees.
—Will Rogers
A committee is a group of the unfit chosen by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
At meetings fraternal, or groups of good will,
I always continue to keep perfectly still.
If I open my mouth in complaint or in pity,
It’s wham, there I am on another committee.
The most efficient part of any organization is a standing committee. The minute you give them chairs, the meetings last forever.
—Bob Orben
If three men parachuted out of a falling airplane, before they reach the ground, they would have elected a board, become incorporated, and elected a president, vice-president, and appointed a committee.
COMMON SENSE
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
—René Descartes
“Young man,” said an old judge to a new member of the bar who had just made a bombastic plea, “you need to pluck a few feathers from the wings of your imagination and stick them in the tail of your judgment.”
COMMUNICATION
Albert Mehrabian, a communication teacher, discovered that as much as 55 percent of a message we send may be communicated nonverbally through action. Another 38 percent of a message may be communicated through tone of voice. That leaves only 7 percent communicated through spoken words.
Tone and actions may convey up to 93 percent of our thoughts and feelings to the people with whom we communicate.
—Myron D. Rush
There are only four things that people you communicate with won’t forgive you for: not being prepared, not being comfortable, not being committed, and not being interesting.
—Roger Ailes
With my date seated in front of me, I cleared my throat and began.
“What did you say when you said what I thought you said? Did you say what you said when I thought you said your say?
“Or have you said your say another way? What I meant to say was, what did you mean when you said what I thought you said? Did you mean what you said that day?
“Okay, let me say it another way. What did you mean to say when you said what I think I thought you said, you know, when I thought you said your say the other day?”
“I’m not sure,” she replied.
“Oh,” I said.
—Les Cantrell
A woman went to her lawyer to sue her husband for divorce. The lawyer asked, “Do you have grounds?”
The woman said, “I own two acres off Walnut Hill.”
The lawyer asked, “Do you have a grudge?”
The woman said, “I have a carport that holds two cars.”
The lawyer asked, “Does your husband beat you up?”
The woman said, “I’m up a half-hour before he is every morning.”
The lawyer asked, “Why do you want a divorce?”
The woman said, “I can’t communicate with him.”
—Speak the Language of Success
COMMUNISM
Two of Karl Marx’s daughters and a son-in-law committed suicide. Three of his children died of malnutrition. Marx felt no obligation to earn a living but instead lived by begging from Friedrich Engels. He fathered an illegitimate child by his maidservant. He drank heavily. He was a paid informer of the Austrian police, spying on revolutionaries.
Though Marx and his wife were poor, he kept investing in the stock market where he constantly lost. His wife left him twice, but returned. He didn’t attend her funeral. His correspondence with Engels was full of obscenities. His favorite daughter, Eleanor, with her father’s approval, married Edward Eveling, a man who advocated blasphemy and worshiped Satan. She committed suicide. Karl Marx died in despair.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. And under communism, it is the exact reverse.
—John Galbraith
At a huge party at which celebrities lined up to catch a glimpse of the Mona Lisa, a French diplomat told a joke that’s breaking them up in Europe.
Khrushchev is out walking a goat when Mao comes along and says, “Why are you walking that pig?”
Khrushchev answers, “You idiot. This isn’t a pig, it’s a goat.”
Mao replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
—Don MacLean
Communism was condemned the day it was born. It had declared that everything was determined by economics and, by an irony of history, it was the economy that killed it. Inside the Soviet Union it held on for seventy years only thanks to repression and bloody violence—don’t forget that it killed up to 60 million people. Abroad it was able to hold sway thanks to demagogy and lies. It fascinated the West, because it was like a sickly blossoming of humanism. Didn’t the intellectuals of the 1930s believe that it had brought us paradise on earth?
—Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Socialism: If you have two cows, you give one to your neighbor.
Communism: If you have two cows, you give them to the government; then the government sells you some milk.
Fascism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government; then the government sells you some milk.
New Dealism: If you have two cows, you shoot one and milk the other, then you pour the milk down the drain.
Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
A Russian named Ivanovich visited the Moscow Zoo for the first time. To his amazement he found a little lamb sharing the same cage that held a big fierce bear.
Ivanovich expressed surprise to his communist guide. The guide smiled and said, “That is peaceful coexistence.” When Ivanovich doubtfully shook his head, the guide explained, “Of course, we have to put in a fresh lamb every morning.”
Peaceful coexistence between right and wrong, freedom and slavery, God and the Devil, is not possible.
COMPANIONS
If you lie with dogs, you get up with fleas.
—Jewish proverb
COMPASSION
If you want others to be happy,
practice compassion.
If you want to be happy,
practice compassion.
At the end of a fruitful life of caring, William Booth was buried with high honor. Royalty attended his funeral. Next to the queen sat a shabbily dressed woman who placed a flower on the casket as it passed by. “How did you know him?” asked the queen. The woman’s answer was simply, “He cared for the likes of us.”
—Edward L. Hayes
A man fell in a ditch.
Realist: “That is a ditch.”
Optimist: “Things will get better.”
Pessimist: “Things will get worse.”
Christian Scientist: “You only think you are in a ditch.”
Newspaper reporter: “I’ll pay you for an exclusive story about life in the ditch.”
City official: “Did you get a permit for your ditch life?”
Mathematician: “I’ll calculate the length and depth and width of the ditch.”
Preacher: “I see three things about the ditch that are noteworthy.”
IRS agent: “Have you paid your taxes for the ditch?”
A Man: “Give me your hand.” (His name was Jesus.)
One day while the famous English preacher George Whitefield was preaching, he was overcome by his emotions, and he began to weep quietly. Then lifting up his hands, he exclaimed, “O my hearers, think of the wrath to come! Think of the wrath to come! Flee to Jesus for refuge and salvation right now while there is still time.” One who heard him said, “His earnestness brought tears to my eyes, and for weeks afterward I couldn’t get the picture of that concerned soulwinner out of my mind. My own heart was warmed by his zeal. Eventually the Gospel he preached with such conviction resulted in my conversion.”
Compassion is your pain in my heart.
COMPANY
One clever woman keeps her hat and coat draped across a living room chair all the time.
“It’s for unexpected visitors,” she explained. “When someone I don’t care for drops in, I point to the hat and coat and say, ‘What a shame. I’m just on my way out.’ But if it’s someone I enjoy seeing, I can say, ‘How lucky. I got home just in time.’ ”
COMPETITION
Don’t fight a battle if you don’t gain anything by winning.
—General George S. Patton Jr.
Don’t worry because a rival imitates you. As long as he follows in your tracks, he can’t pass you.
COMPLAINING
Constant complaint is the poorest sort of pay for all the comforts we enjoy.
—Benjamin Franklin
People who complain that they don’t get all they deserve should congratulate themselves.
If you pray for rain, don’t grumble about the mud.
—William Ward Ayer
A man was placed in a monastery and was given the opportunity to say only two words every five years. After the first five passed, he was called in and allowed to say two words.
He said, “Food bad.” Five years later, his two words were “Bed hard.” After a total of fifteen years, he said, “I quit.”
The bishops responded, “We’re not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A pastor had on his desk a notebook labeled, “Complaints of Members Against Members.”
When one of his people called to tell him the fault of another, he would say, “Well, here’s my complaint book. I’ll write down what you say, and you can sign it. Then when I have to take the matter up officially, I shall know what I may expect you to testify to.”
The sight of the open book and the ready pen had its effect.
“Oh no, I could not sign anything like that.” And no entry was made.
The minister says he kept the book for forty years, opened it probably a thousand times, and never wrote a line in it.
Johnny had a dog named Uncle Joe. When asked why he had given his pet such an odd name, he replied, “Beause he’s just like that uncle of mine—he growls at everything he eats and wants to fight everyone he sees.”
A complaining tongue reveals an ungrateful heart.
—William Arthur Ward
Sure, this world is full of trouble—
I ain’t said it ain’t.
Me, I’ve had enough and double
Reason for complaint;
Rain and storm have come to fret me,
Skies are often gray;
Thorns and brambles have beset me
On the road—but say,
Ain’t it fine today?
What’s the use of always weepin’
Making trouble last?
What’s the use of always keepin’
Thinkin’ of the past?
Each must have his tribulation—
Water with his wine;
Life, it ain’t no celebration,
Trouble?—I’ve had mine—
But today is fine!
It’s today that I am livin’
Not a month ago.
Havin’; losin’; takin’; given’;
As time wills it so.
Yesterday a cloud of sorrow
Fell across the way;
It may rain again tomorrow,
It may rain—but say,
Ain’t it fine today?
—Douglas Malloch
Here’s a recipe for a terrible day:
Take a pint of ill humor
Add one or more unfortunate incidents
Set over a good fire
When at boiling point, add a tablespoon of temper
Baste from time to time with sarcasm
Cook until the edges curl
Add a handful of haughty words
As the mixture curdles, stir furiously and then
Serve while sizzling!
Isn’t that a swell recipe for a terrible day?
Several years ago the afternoon train pulled into a small Quaker town in Pennsylvania. As it stopped, a stranger swung off the train. He walked over to the group of people on the platform and asked, “What type of town is this and what kind of people live here?” A local townsman looked him in the eye and asked, “What kind of place did you come from and what were the people like who lived there?” The stranger then replied to the Quaker, “They were hard people to get along with and the town was noisy.” Without hesitation the Quaker told the stranger, “This is the same kind of town and the same kind of people live here.” So the stranger got back on the train.
The next afternoon when the train pulled in, off popped another stranger. Smiling, he approached the group of local Quakers on the platform and cheerily said, “Hi there. I’m looking for a town to live in permanently. What do you have here?” Once more the Quaker replied, “Where did you come from and what were the people like?” In the same happy tone the stranger said, “I came from a happy place; the people were kind and friendly.” Without hesitation the Quaker told him, “You’ll find the same kind of people here.”
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
—Abraham Lincoln
Walking into a restaurant, a potential diner asked, “Do you serve crabs here?” The waiter said, “We serve anyone; please sit down.”
On a recent flight, I was seated behind two small children who were not happy about being on a plane. Their cries of complaint filled the cabin.
Just before takeoff, a flight attendant stopped next to them and said with a big smile, “What is all this squawking up here?” After charming the fussy three-year-old and his younger sister for a few minutes, the flight attendant bent down and whispered very seriously, “I must remind you, this is a non-squawking flight.”
The little ones became unbelievably quiet. That made everyone feel better. It’s a long journey when you have to sit in the squawking section.
I’m sure God would like to remind me every morning that He wants this day to be a non-squawking flight. Philippians 2:14 says to “do all things without complaining and disputing.”
—David C. McCasland
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to “God.” A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read, “Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My father is dead and my mother is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?”
The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.
A couple of weeks later they received a second letter. The boy thanked God, but ended with this request: “Next time would you please deliver the money directly to our home. If you send it through the post office they deduct $200.”
You can either complain that rose bushes have thorns or you can be glad that thornbushes have roses.
Two classes of people are always complaining: those who don’t get what they deserve and those who do.
The fellow who toots his horn loudest is generally in a fog.
He who throws mud loses ground.
Nothing is easier than fault-finding: No talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character are required to set up in the grumbling business.
A lady known as an incurable grumbler constantly complained about everything. At last her preacher thought he had found something about which she would be happy, for her farm crop was the finest for miles around. When he met her, he said with a beaming smile, “You must be very pleased, Mary. Everyone is saying how healthy your potatoes look this year.” In her usual sour manner she replied, “True, they’re pretty good, but what am I going to do when I need bad ones to feed the pigs?”
It is not the greatness of our trouble but the littleness of our spirit that makes us complain.
If you talk about your troubles,
And tell them o’er and o’er
The world will think you like them
And give you plenty more.
When you feel dog-tired at night, it may be because you growled all day.
When we often grumble because we can’t have what we want, we should be thankful that oftentimes we don’t get what we deserve.
We mutter and we sputter,
We fume and we spurt,
We mumble and grumble,
Our feelings get hurt.
We can’t understand things,
Our vision grows dim,
When all we need
Is a moment with Him.
I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.
Maybe the trouble with the world is that there are too many people who begin all their arguments with, “The trouble with the world is …”
Glenn Gould, a Canadian pianist, said, “It’s true that I’ve driven through a number of red lights, but on the other hand I’ve stopped at a lot of green ones I’ve never had credit for.”
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?”
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”
—A. H. Berzen
A dozen discontented figures in a community once visited a wise man, clamoring to tell him their problems.
“Write your biggest problem down on a piece of paper,” said the wise man, “and six of you stand here to my right and six to my left. Now exchange papers and you will have new trouble to fret about.”
The malcontents complied. Within a minute, all were clamoring to have their own troubles back!
—Bits & Pieces