PAIN
God whispers to us in our joys, speaks to us in our difficulties, and shouts to us in our pain.
—C. S. Lewis
Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
—C. S. Lewis
PANIC
On a recent visit to Chad, Charles McCordic Jr. gave an illustration of panic. He had placed a hen on some duck’s eggs. When the little ones hatched, the hen mothered them as any good mother would. They followed her about, pecking when she pecked and doing all the things expected of good little chicks. But one day they went near the pond, and the little ones took out across the water. Mother hen panicked. She ran back and forth on the bank clucking her frustration. “Don’t you know you can’t do that? Chicks don’t swim, only dumb ducks do that!” But God had put something else into those babies and that was why they had webbed feet!
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene hampered him, and he asked his home office to hire a plane. Arrangements were made, and he was told to go at once to a nearby airport, where the plane would be waiting.
When he arrived at the airport, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and they soon were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” yelled the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures,” cried the photographer. “I’m a photographer and photographers take pictures!”
After a pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
—Bits & Pieces
PARADOXES
To conquer we must surrender (Matt. 5:39; 1 Cor. 15:57).
To live, we must die (John 12:23, 25).
To save life, we must lose it (Matt. 10:39; Luke 17:33).
To get, we must give (Prov. 11:23, 25).
To reign, we must serve (Luke 12:42–44).
To be wise, we must become fools (1 Cor. 3:18).
To be exalted, we must become humble (Matt. 18:4; 23:12).
To be first, we must be last (Mark 9:35; Matt. 20:26).
We must be humble in order to be exalted.
We must take up our yoke in order to find peace and rest.
We must work in order to be stronger.
We must surrender in order to win.
We must die in order to live.
We must give in order to receive.
PARENTING
If you know his father and grandfather, you can trust his son.
—Moroccan proverb
We never know the love of a parent until we become parents ourselves.
—Henry Ward Beecher
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of those is roots, the other is wings.
—Hodding Carter
One way to curb delinquency is to take parents off the street at night.
—Morrie Gallant
The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you’re experienced, you’re unemployable.
We are so busy giving our children what we never had that we forget to give them what we did have.
—James Dobson
Success in Parenting
You can use most any measure
When you’re speaking of success.
You can measure it in fancy home,
Expensive car or dress.
But the measure of your real success
Is the one you cannot spend.
It’s the way your kids describe you
When talking to a friend.
—Martin Buxbaum
Sound really does travel slower than light. The advice parents give to their eighteen-year-olds doesn’t reach them until they’re about forty.
—Bob Orben
When it comes to clothes, I never argue when our kids come back from the store with something that’s garish, outlandish, bizarre, in bad taste, and an affront to all normal sensibilities. I just say I like it. They take it back the next morning.
—Bob Orben
Parents who do not carry out their duty of instruction by example fail to assume their responsibility in a manner which is detrimental to our Christian society and increases the need for teaching by organized religion. If we have an enduring Christian nation, we must strive to reduce crime. The plain and simple maxims of the Bible contain the essential rules which should govern human conduct.
—J. Edgar Hoover
Between the child and God stands the parent: a separating wall or a connecting link.
PASSION
When a businessman in Pennsylvania was asked what he looks for in hiring employees, the first thing he mentioned was “passion.”
PASTORING
The perfect pastor has been described as one who preaches exactly twenty minutes and then sits down. He condemns sin but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He labors from 8 A.M. to 10 P.M. in every kind of work, from preaching to custodial service. He makes sixty dollars a week, wears good clothes, buys good books regularly, has a nice family, drives a good car, and gives thirty dollars a week to the church. He also stands ready to contribute to every good work that comes along. The ideal pastor is twenty-six years old and has been preaching for thirty years. He is at once tall and short, thin and heavyset, and handsome. He has one brown eye and one blue; his hair is parted in the middle with left side dark and straight and the right side brown and wavy. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with older folks. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes fifteen calls a day on church members, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is never out of his office!
If the pastor of the smallest church in North Carolina became the president of the United States, he’d be stepping down.
—Vance Havner
If I accept the call, I must have a two-month vacation and the privilege of taking an occasional lecture tour. My lecture on “Over the Wall in a Basket” is worth two drachmas of any man’s money!
Sincerely yours,
Paul
Pastoring a church combines all the features of crossing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope, lunching with Gargantua, and chasing a rainbow. A pastor needs the sprint of the Boy Who Stood on the Burning Deck, the intestinal fortitude of Hercules, and the courage of David meeting Goliath. Doing the most important job of the country, he must tackle the tasks of Superman, and while doing it, he is considered a legitimate target for indiscriminate rock heaving.
To state the situation a little more elegantly and scripturally: the pastor needs the power of the Spirit, the love of God, and the grace, wisdom, and patience of Christ, to carry on with his great work.
Dear Pastoral Search Committee,
This pastoral search chain letter is meant to bring you just the right man to serve as your pastor. Unlike other chain letters it does not cost money. Just send a copy of this letter to six other churches that are tired of their ministers; then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. In six weeks, you will receive 16,436 ministers delivered directly to you. One of them should be a dandy.
P.S. But beware … do not break the chain. One church did and they got their old preacher back.
How to Get Rid of a Pastor
1. Look him straight in the eye and say “amen,” and he’ll preach himself to death.
2. Give him a living wage. He’s been on a starvation salary for so long that he’ll eat himself to death.
3. Brag about all his good points to him, and he’ll work himself to death.
4. Go to him and tell him you want to help in the church, and he’ll have a heart attack and die.
5. Have the church unite together in prayer for him and really get behind him and help him, and then a bigger church will call him from you.
Dear Brethren:
Doubtless you will remember the invitation you extended to me to come over to Macedonia and help the people in that section. You will pardon me for saying that I’m somewhat surprised that you should expect a man of my standing in the church to seriously consider a call on such meager information. There are a number of things I should like to learn before giving my decision, and I would appreciate your dropping me a line, addressed to Troas.
No mention was made of a salary I was to receive. While it is true that I am not preaching for money, there is the certainty that these things must be taken into account. I have been through a long and expensive course of training; in fact, I may say with reasonable pride that I am a Sanhedrin man! The day is past when you can expect a man to rush into a field without some idea of the support he is about to receive. Kindly give the word to the good brethren to get together and see what you can do in the way of support.
You have told me nothing about Macedonia beyond the implication that the place needs help. What are the social advantages? Is the church well organized?
I recently had a fine offer to return to Damascus at an increase of salary, and I am told that I made a very favorable impression on the church at Jerusalem. You might mention these facts.
For recommendations you can write to Rev. S. Peter, D.D., Jerusalem, Palestine. I will say that I am a first-class mixer and especially strong in argumentative preaching.
—Paul
If he is young, he lacks experience; if he is gray, he is too old; if he has five or six children, he has too many; if he has none, he is setting a bad example.
If his wife sings in the choir, she is being forward; if she does not, she is not interested in her husband’s work.
If he speaks from notes, he has canned sermons and is dry; if he is extemporaneous, he is too deep.
If he spends too much time in study, he neglects his people; if he visits, he is a gadabout.
If he is attentive to the poor, he is playing to the grandstand; if to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.
If he suggests improvement for the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestions, he is a figurehead.
If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if not enough, he is not clear.
If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he does not, he is a compromiser.
If he preaches an hour, he is windy; if less, he is lazy.
If he preaches the truth, he is offensive; if not, he is a hypocrite.
If he fails to please everybody, he has no convictions.
If he preaches tithing, he is a money-grabber; if he does not, he is failing to develop his people.
If he receives a large salary, he is mercenary; if a small salary, it proves he is not worth much.
If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing the man; if he invites guest preachers, he is shirking his responsibility. Yes! They say the preacher has an easy time.
The ministry of a pastor is like a full moon—it brings light to many darkened souls, but also causes many dogs to bark.
A pastor left the pastorate after twenty years. He decided to become a funeral director. Somebody asked him, “Why did you do that?”
He answered, “Well, I spent about twelve years trying to straighten out John. He never did get straightened out. I spent fourteen months trying to straighten out the marriage of the Smith’s, and it never did get straightened out. I spent three years trying to straighten out Susan, and she never did get straightened out. Now when I straighten them out, they stay straight.”
Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.
I’m over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities.
I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have baptized.
However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you.
The board member looked over the committee. “Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?”
The good church folks were aghast. Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absent-minded ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he answered. “It’s signed, ‘The Apostle Paul.’ ”
If the pastor is young, they say he lacks experience; if his hair is gray, then he’s too old for the young people.
If he has five or six children, he has too many; if he has no children, then he’s setting a bad example.
If he preaches from notes, he has canned sermons and is too dry; if his messages are extemporaneous, he is not deep.
If he is attentive to the poor people in the church, they claim he is playing to the grandstand; if he pays attention to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.
If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if he doesn’t use enough illustrations, he isn’t clear.
If he condemns wrong, he’s cranky; if he doesn’t preach against sin, he’s a compromiser.
If he preaches the truth, he’s offensive; if he doesn’t preach the truth, then he’s a hypocrite.
If he preaches tithing, he’s a moneygrabber; if he doesn’t preach scriptural giving, he is failing to develop his people.
If he drives an old car, he shames his congregation; if he drives a new car, then he is setting his affection on earthly things.
If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guest speakers, he’s shirking his responsibility.
If he receives a large salary, he’s mercenary; if he receives only a small salary, well—it proves he isn’t worth much anyway.
—Richard DeHaan