LOVING–KINDNESS
“Johnnie, what do you think loving-kindness means?” asked a Christian mother.
After thinking a few moments, scratching his head, the boy replied, “Well, when I ask for a piece of bread and butter and you give it to me, that’s kindness. But you know Mom, when you put jam on it, that’s loving-kindness.”
LOYALTY
A wounded soldier of Napoleon was given no anesthetic and when those operating on him were probing for the bullet, he remarked, “Be careful, because a little deeper and you will strike my heart, and the emperor is there.”
LUCK
If we could cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers, we’d all have a rash of good luck.
Someone asked the French writer Jean Corteau if he believed in luck. “Certainly,” he said, “how else do you explain the success of those you don’t like?”
LUTHERANS
Three Lutheran pastors were invited by a Catholic priest to attend mass one Sunday at his church. They arrived a bit late. All the pews were filled and they had to stand in the back of the church.
The priest noticed them as he began the mass and he whispered to one of the altar boys, “Get three chairs for our Lutheran friends.”
The altar boy didn’t hear, so the priest spoke a bit louder, motioning to the rear of the congregation, “Three chairs for the Lutherans.”
Dutifully, the boy arose, stepped to the altar rail and loudly proclaimed to the congregation, “Three cheers for the Lutherans!”
—Bits & Pieces
LYING
A man was being baptized in a remote village, high in the mountains. Before his conversion, he had been an outrageous liar, and the villagers were skeptical of this sudden change of heart. The missionary doused him in the freezing waters of a mountain river and the man emerged shivering.
“Is it cold?” the missionary asked anxiously.
“No, it’s fine,” said the man.
“Dunk him again, Pastor,” shouted a villager, “he’s still a liar!”
—Murray Watts
A preacher was weaving in and out of traffic, as if he were drunk. A policeman stopped him and said, “Preacher, you are weaving as if you are drunk.” The preacher responded, “Oh, I wouldn’t do that.” Then the policeman asked, “What is that bottle in the brown bag?” He reached in and grabbed the bottle and smelled it. He said, “Preacher, that is wine.” The preacher then said, “It is? How wonderful! The Lord has done it again.”
A good liar needs a good memory.
—Arabic proverb
According to an ancient Chinese story, a young boy and his mother lived alone on a meager income. One day the child found a purse at the market. He hurried home to show his mother what he had found.
When they emptied the purse, fifteen coins fell out. His mother insisted that he go back to the market, find the owner, and return the purse. However, the owner, seeing an opportunity to make a profit off the young boy, claimed there had been thirty coins in the purse.
A judge listened to the dispute and ruled that since the purse the man had lost contained thirty coins, and this one had only fifteen, it couldn’t possibly be his. Further, he explained, since no one had reported a lost purse with fifteen coins in it, he gave the purse and its contents to the finder.
Mary Jones hurriedly parked her car, climbed out, and raced into the butcher shop. She arrived at the door just as the owner was locking up. “I need a roasting chicken,” she said. The butcher quickly put his last chicken on the scale and said, “It’s two pounds and four ounces.” “Do you have a larger one?” she asked. The butcher went to the cooler and returned with the same chicken. He placed it on the scale and said, “This one weighs three pounds.” After pausing a moment, Mary said, “I think I’ll take them both.”
He has three hats: one to wear on his head; one that he tosses in the ring; and the one he talks through.
—Hal Roach
“A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time of trouble,” said a little girl in Sunday school.
A lie is a coward’s way of trying to get out of trouble.
A boy explained what an alibi was in this way: “An alibi is when you prove you were at a prayer meeting when you weren’t to show you weren’t in somebody’s cash register when you were.”
A lie that is all of a lie can be met with and fought outright. But a lie that is partly the truth is a harder matter to fight.
—Tennpon
Those who are given to white lies soon become color blind.
A twelve-year-old boy was a key witness in a crucial lawsuit. One of the lawyers had put him through a rigorous cross-examination and had been unable to shake his clear, damaging testimony. In a stern voice, the lawyer said, “Your father has been telling you how to testify, hasn’t he?” “Yes,” said the boy. “Now,” said the lawyer, with smug satisfaction, “just tell us what your father told you to say.” “Well,” replied the boy, “Father told me that the lawyers may try to tangle me, but if I would just be careful and tell the truth, I could say the same thing every time.”
“Catchin’ any?” the bystander asked the fisherman.
“Caught forty bass out here yesterday.”
“Say, do you know who I am?”
“No,” said the fisherman, “can’t say as I do.”
“Well I’m the county fish and game warden.”
The fisherman thought for a moment, then said, “Say, do you know who I am?”
“No,” said the officer.
“Well, I’m the biggest liar in eastern Indiana.”
Famous American Fibs
The check is in the mail.
I’ll start my diet tomorrow.
We service what we sell.
Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
Money cheerfully refunded.
One size fits all.
This offer limited to the first one hundred people who call in.
Your luggage isn’t lost, it’s only misplaced.
Leave your résumé and we’ll keep it on file.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
I just need five minutes of your time.
Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
Open wide, it won’t hurt a bit.
Let’s have lunch sometime.
It’s not the money, it’s the principle.
—Bits & Pieces
According to a UPI news item, the Metropolitan Insurance Company received some unusual explanations for accidents from its automobile policyholders. The following are just a few: “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.” “The other car collided with mine without warning of its intention.” “I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.” “As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.” “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.” “The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.” “The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.” “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.” “The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”