GRADES
As a boy handed his father a poor report card, he asked, “Dad, what do you think is my trouble—heredity or environment?”
GRAMMAR
Parody of “My Country ‘Tis of Thee:”
My grammar, ‘tis of thee
Sweet incongruity
Of thee I sing.
I love each mood and tense,
Each freak of accidence,
Protect me from common sense,
Grammar, my king!
GRANDCHILDREN
Grandchildren are gifts of God. It is God’s way of compensating us for growing old.
GRANDPARENTS
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?
Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord. The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.
—Bits & Pieces
A husband can melt his wife’s heart by bringing her a dozen roses, but her grandson can do the same thing by bringing her a half-dozen dandelions.
The stricter you are with your children, the harder grandparents work at spoiling them.
—Mother Murphy’s Law
When first he called me “Sweetheart,”
My youthful knees grew weak.
And that was topped when I heard “wife,”
For sure, I’ve reached the peak.
Until a tiny voice said, “Mom …”
A joy I still recall.
But now, the sound of “Grandma”
is the sweetest sound of all.
—Gay Wilson
In the dim and distant past,
When life’s tempo wasn’t fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and baby-sit.
When the kids were in a jam
They could always count on Gram.
In that day of gracious living
Grandma was the gal for giving.
But today she’s in the gym
Exercising to keep slim,
Or off touring with the bunch
Or taking clients out to lunch
Or going north to ski or curl.
All her days are in a whirl.
Nothing seems to stop or block her
Now that Grandma’s off her rocker.
GRADUATION
One alumnus said to another, “This school has turned out some great men.”
“When did you graduate?”
“I didn’t graduate. I was one of those turned out.”
Senator Robert Dole opened his address to the graduating class at Colby College in Waterville, Maine, by noting, “Being a commencement speaker is like being a corpse at a funeral. They need you in order to hold the event, but nobody expects you to say very much.”
—Carroll Douglas
GRATITUDE – THANKFULNESS
Get on your knees and thank God you’re on your feet.
—Irish proverb
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of the others.
—Cicero
Alexander Whyte, the famous Scottish preacher, invariably began his public prayers with an expression of gratitude. One cold and rainy day when his people wondered how he could be grateful for the weather, he began by saying, “We thank Thee, O Lord, that it is not always like this.” An appreciative heart brightens a dreary day and shortens the longest night.
GREATNESS
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.
—Thomas Carlyle
The truly great are the most grateful. The most inspiring are the most inspired. The most convincing are the most convinced. The most pleasing are the most pleasant.
—William Arthur Ward
GREED – MATERIALISM
It is not a matter of possession but of desire. One man may have much money on him but no greed in him, whereas another may have no money on him but much greed in him.
—Augustine
A rich industrialist was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat. “Why aren’t you out there fishing?” he asked.
“Because I’ve caught enough fish for today,” said the fisherman.
“Why don’t you catch more fish than you need?” the rich man asked.
“What would I do with them?”
“You could earn more money,” came the impatient reply, “and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets and catch even more fish and make more money. Soon you’d have a fleet of boats and be rich like me.”
The fisherman asked, “Then what would I do?”
“You could sit down and enjoy life,” said the industrialist.
“What do you think I’m doing now?” the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea.
If you want to make a man happy, don’t give him more possessions. Take away his desires.
One of the weaknesses of our age is our apparent inability to distinguish our needs from our greeds.
—Don Robinson
Wealth consists in not having great possessions but in having few wants.
—Epicurus
A neighbor of Abraham Lincoln heard someone crying outside and went to his front door to investigate. He saw Lincoln passing by with his two sons both screaming loudly. “What’s the matter, Abe?” asked the man. “Just what is the matter with the whole world!” answered Lincoln. “I have three walnuts and each boy wants two!”
GRIEF
We cannot share a sorrow,
If we haven’t grieved a while.
Nor can we feel another’s joy,
Until we’ve learned to smile.
There are five stages of grief after a loved one dies:
1. Denial—“No, not me.”
2. Rage and anger—“Why me?”
3. Bargaining—“Yes, me, but …?”
4. Depression—“Yes, me.”
5. Acceptance—“My time is very close now and it’s all right.”
—Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Missionary David Miner Stern was plunged into grief when God saw fit to take to Himself his little daughter. Stern could not seem to get over his great sorrow, even though he was a Christian. He became so depressed that he went daily to the cemetery to mourn by her grave. With his walking stick, he would touch the mound of earth that covered the casket. Somehow this seemed to give him a measure of comfort—as though he still had some slight contact with her. His grief was so oppressive that he feared he would have to give up his labors as a missionary. However, God graciously brought him relief. One day as he stood in the cemetery, he suddenly realized how wrong it was to fix his attention on the dead body of his little daughter. The Holy Spirit impressed on his mind the truth in Luke 23:43, where Jesus said to the dying thief, “Today you will be with Me in paradise.” He began repeating the words, “with Christ in paradise” as he walked home. The blessed reality that his daughter was with Jesus increasingly dawned on him. He said to himself, “What more could I ask for my loved one than this?” In the comfort of this thought he was able to resume his duties with joy. Instead of thinking of his daughter in the grave, he visualized her safe in Jesus’ presence.
GROWTH
He who ceases to be better, ceases to be good.
—Oliver Cromwell
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
—Edward Abby
Former President Harry Truman saw a friend of his, an older man, reading Plato’s Republic. “Why are you reading that?” He responded, “I may be old, but I’m growing.”
Three men were in the hospital waiting room when the nurse came from the maternity ward. She said to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”
“Wonderful,” he exclaimed. “Isn’t that a coincidence? I’m a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
Later the nurse returned and said to the second man, “Congratulations; you’re the father of triplets.”
“Wow,” said the new father. “Another coincidence. I work for the 3M Company.”
The third man jumped to his feet, shouting, “I’m getting out of here. I work for the 7 Up Bottling Company!”
Who is not satisfied with himself will grow; who is not sure of his own correctness will learn many things.
—Chinese proverb
GUIDANCE
He leadeth me.
In pastures green? No, not always.
Sometimes he who knoweth best
In kindness leadeth me in weary ways
Where heavy shadows be;
Out of the sunshine warm and soft and bright,
Out of the sunshine into the darkest night.
I oft would yield to sorrow and to fright
Only for this: I know He holds my hand.
So, whether led in green, or desert land
I trust, although I cannot understand.
He leadeth me.
Beside still waters? No, not always so.
Oft times the heavy tempests round me blow,
And o’er my soul the waves and billows go.
But when the storm beats wildest, and I cry
Aloud for help, the Master standeth by
And whispers to my soul: “Lo, it is I.”
Above the tempest wild I hear Him say:
“Beyond the darkness lies the perfect day;
In every path of thine I lead the way.”
So whether on the hilltops, high and fair
I dwell, or in the sunless valleys where
The shadows lie—what matter? He is there.
He gives to me no helpless, broken reed,
But here His own hand, sufficient for my need.
So where He leads me I can safely go.
And in the blest hereafter I shall know
Why in His wisdom He hath led me so.
God does not furnish us with a detailed road map. A traveler in Africa complained to his guide, “There is no road, no path, in this jungle. We have lost our way.” The guide replied, “There is no way, I am the way.” Our Lord is the Way; when we are with Him, we may not know whither but we know Whom.
—The Vance Havner Quote Book
A young physician was determined to reach the heights of Mount Blanc, the highest peak in Europe. He accomplished the feat and the little village at the foot of the mountain was illuminated in his honor; on the mountainside a flag was floating that told of his victory.
After he had ascended and descended as far as the hut, he wanted to be released from his guide; he wanted to be free from the rope, and insisted on going alone.
The guide told him it was not safe; but he was tired of the rope and declared that he would be free. The guide was compelled to yield. The young man had gone only a short distance when his foot slipped on the ice and he could not stop himself from sliding down the icy steeps. The rope was gone, so the guide could not hold him or pull him back. Out on the shelving ice lay the body of the young physician.
The bells had been rung, the village had been illuminated in honor of his success; but alas, in a fatal moment he refused to be guided; he was tired of the rope.
When an ocean liner sank along the Irish coast many years ago, the maritime world was bewildered. Because the ship’s captain was an excellent seaman, no one could figure out what caused the accident. Divers were sent down, and one of the items they brought up to examine was the ship’s compass. As they opened the compass box, they found the point of a knife blade inside. Apparently, while cleaning the compass, an unwary sailor had broken off the tip of the knife, which had become lodged inside the device. It was just a tiny piece of metal, but it was enough to cause the compass to give a bad reading. As a result, the ship took the wrong course and crashed into the rocky coast.
—Our Daily Bread
He does not lead me year by year
Nor even day by day,
But step by step my path unfolds;
My Lord directs my way.
Tomorrow’s plans I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will only say, “This is the way,
By faith now walk ye in it.”
And I am glad that it is so,
Today’s enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
Shall far exceed its care.
What need to worry then or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand
And gives them, one by one.
—Barbara G. Ryberg
I know not the way He leads me, but well do I know my Guide.
—Martin Luther
GUILT
On a sunny day in September of 1972, a stern-faced, plainly dressed man would be seen standing on a street corner in the busy Chicago Loop. As pedestrians hurried by on the way to lunch or business, he would solemnly lift his right arm and pointing to the person nearest him, intone loudly the single word “Guilty!”
Then, without any change of expression, he would resume his stiff stance for a few moments before repeating the gesture. Then, again, the inexorable raising of the arm, the pointing, and the solemn pronouncing of the one word “Guilty!”
The effect of this strange pantomime on the passing strangers was extraordinary, almost eerie. They would stare at him, hesitate, look away, look at each other, and then at him again; then hurriedly continue on their ways.
One man, turning to another who was my informant, exclaimed, “But how did he know?”
No doubt many others had similar thoughts. How did he know, indeed?
“Guilty!” Everyone guilty? Guilty of what? Guilty of illegal parking? Guilty of lying? Guilty of arrogance and hubris toward the one God? Guilty of “borrowing,” not to say embezzling? Guilty of unfaithfulness to a faithful wife? Guilty only of evil thoughts—or evil plans? Guilty before whom? Is a police officer following? Did anyone see? Will they be likely to notice it? Does he know about it? But that isn’t technically illegal, is it? I can make it up. I will give it back. I’ll apologize. I wasn’t myself when I did that. No one knows about it. But I’m going to quit. It’s a dangerous habit. I wouldn’t want the children to see me. How can I ever straighten it out? What’s done can’t be undone.
—Karl Menninger
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries, used to tell how he sent a telegram to each of twelve friends, all men of great virtue and reputation. The message read simply, “Fly at once; all is discovered.” Within twenty-four hours, the story goes, all twelve had left the country.
A certain duke once boarded a galley ship. As he passed the crew of slaves, he asked several of them what their offenses were. Almost every man claimed he was innocent. They laid the blame on someone else or accused the judge of yielding to bribery. One young fellow, however, spoke out, “Sir, I deserve to be here. I stole some money. No one is at fault but myself. I’m guilty.” Hearing this, the duke seized him by the shoulder and shouted, “You scoundrel, you! What are you doing here with all these honest men? Get out of their company at once!”
He was then set at liberty while the rest were left to tug at the oars. The key to this prisoner’s freedom was the admission of his guilt.
A taxpayer wrote to the Internal Revenue Service, “I have not been able to sleep well for two years. Here is my check for $1,200 for back taxes.” He even signed his name, then added a short P.S. “If I don’t sleep better in a week, I will send you another $1,200.” He had to do something to relieve his guilt, but he didn’t want to do too much.
A man in Palestine named Pinchas Rutenberg was regarded as “the greatest figure in Palestine.” He revolutionized the industry of Palestine through his electrification scheme. He was said to be “iron-hearted and iron-willed, with hands as powerful as a wrestler’s.” But few people have ever seen his hands! Why? Because he always wore gloves. The reason? In 1905 there was a vicious Russian named Gapon whom Rutenberg strangled to death with his hands. Since that time Rutenberg was never able to stand the sight of his own hands; he therefore wears gloves.
Two men were in jail. One had only broken a traffic law by speeding, while the other was in jail for having committed murder. The former said, “See, I’m not as bad as you, I’ve just broken a traffic law, but you’ve done a much worse thing. You’ve committed murder.” But the other replied, “Yes, but we are both in jail.”
Quisling was a traitor of Norway who collaborated with the Germans. When he was on trial for his life, he was quite sure he would be exonerated for he had employed several shrewd lawyers. These defense attorneys successfully ripped to shreds almost all the evidence against him, until the prosecutor played a recording of the betrayer’s voice on a phonograph. As the treacherous speech was heard, Quisling’s head bowed lower and lower, for his own ranting voice was lauding Hitler and his perverted form of government. Finally, almost in a whisper, he muttered, “I guess I can no longer deny my guilt; it’s my voice that all are hearing.”
Someday when the lost stand before the Great White Throne to be judged and all their secret sins are revealed, they will not be able to deny their guilt. They will have to confess that God has kept a true record of all their words and deeds.
D. L. Moody visited a prison called The Tombs to preach to the inmates. After he had finished speaking, Moody talked with a number of men in their cells. He asked each prisoner this question: “What brought you here?” Again and again he received replies like this: “I don’t deserve to be here.” “I was framed.” “I was falsely accused.” “I was given an unfair trial.” Not one inmate would admit he was guilty. Finally, Moody found a man with his face buried in his hands, weeping. “And what’s wrong, my friend?” he inquired. The prisoner responded, “My sins are more than I can bear.” Relieved to find at least one man who would recognize his guilt and his need of forgiveness, the evangelist exclaimed, “Thank God for that!” Moody then had the joy of pointing him to a saving knowledge of Christ—a knowledge that released him from his shackles of sin.
—Louis Albert Banks
GULLIBILITY
Napoleon was gifted with the ability to stir up the common man to great heights of patriotism. He often told the story, with effective results, about an old soldier he met while visiting the troops. On his uniform the proud fighter displayed the coveted Legion of Honor. One arm was missing.
“Where did you lose your arm?” Napoleon asked.
“At Austerlitz, sir,” came the soldier’s brisk reply.
“And for that you received the Legion of Honor?”
“Yes, sir. It is but a small token to pay for the decoration.”
“You must be,” the emperor said, “the kind of man who regrets he did not lose both arms for his country.”
“What then would have been my reward?” asked the one-armed man.
“Then,” Napoleon replied, “I would have awarded you a double Legion of Honor.”
With that the proud old fighter drew his sword and immediately cut off his other arm.
The story was circulating for years and believed without question until one day someone said, “How?” We often accept without question what people tell us, never stopping to think things through or ever doubt what was said.