DISPUTING
A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.
—Voltaire
DIVORCE
A couple in Hollywood got divorced; then they got remarried. The divorce didn’t work out.
In the U.S., in 1900, 1 of every 20 marriages ended in divorce.
In 1920, 1 of every 12
In 1940, 1 of every 6
In 1970, 1 of every 2
With so many divorces today, you would think that when a lot of people were married they were mispronounced man and wife.
DOCTORS
Preachers see people at their best. Lawyers see people at their worst. Doctors see people as they really are.
—Anonymous
A certain doctor plays a game with some of his young patients to test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a boy’s ear, the doctor asked, “Is this your nose?”
The child turned to his mother and said, “I think we’d better find a new doctor!”
The sick man, conscience-stricken at having summoned his doctor at two in the morning, apologized profusely.
“I’m sorry about the hour, Doc, and I know my house is somewhat out of your way too.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” reassured the doctor. “I have another patient who lives near you, so I’ll visit him and just kill two birds with one stone.”
DOGS
We give them the love we can spare, the time we can give. In return dogs have given us their absolute all. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.
—Roger Caras
DOUBT
There is more faith in doubt than in half the creeds.
—Alfred Tennyson
The Latin word for doubt, dubitare, comes from an Aryan root meaning “two.” To believe is to be “in one mind” about accepting something as true; to disbelieve is to be “in one mind” about rejecting it. To doubt is to waver between the two, to believe and doubt at once, and so to be “in two minds.”
—Os Guinness
Blessed are the ignorant for they never have doubts.
—Joseph Renan
DRINKING
A Methodist minister had a secret vice—he loved to drink cherry brandy. Of course, it was impossible for him to admit this weakness to a congregation who were strictly teetotalers, and some wicked friends decided to exploit his dilemma. They offered him a whole crate of cherry brandy on the condition that the gift was publicly acknowledged in the church paper. To their amazement, the minister gladly accepted. Next Sunday the notice appeared: “The minister would like to thank his friends for the generous gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given.”
—Rolling in the Aisles
A drunk was rolling around the street when the local minister came up to him. “I’m so glad you’ve turned over a new leaf,” said the minister.
“Me?” said the drunk, puzzled.
“Yes, I was so thrilled to see you at the prayer meeting last night.”
“Oh,” said the drunk, slowly remembering, “so that’s where I was!”
—Rolling in the Aisles
A man came home drunk at 3 A.M. in the morning. His wife said, “A fine time to come home. I want an explanation and I want the truth.” He said, “Make up your mind.”
—Hal Roach
Each year alcohol kills over 100,000 Americans and costs the United States up to $120 billion in economic damages. Alcohol is implicated in 66 percent of homicides, 50 percent of rapes, and 70 percent of robberies. Drunken driving is the leading cause of death among young people ages 16 to 24. Of the estimated 13 to 15 million alcoholics and problem drinkers in the United States, more than 3 million are under the age of 18. In 1981 a government reported that 9 percent of sixth-graders have used alcoholic beverages.
Noah’s drunkenness led to shame (Gen. 9:21).
Lot’s drunkenness led to confusion (Gen. 19:33).
Ahasuerus’ drunkenness led to folly (Esther 1:10–11).
Benhadad’s drunkenness led to defeat (1 Kings 20:16–20).
Belshazzar’s drunkenness led to sacrilege (Dan. 5:1–5).
A little boy and his dog, Colonel, were passing a saloon, the door of which was wide open. The dog, not knowing any better, went in; but the little boy rushed after him with some good advice: “Come out of there, Colonel. Don’t be disgracing the family.”
Anachonis, the philosopher, was asked by what means a man might guard against the vice of drunkenness. He answered, “By bearing constantly in view the loathsome indecent behavior of such as are intoxicated.”
P. T. Barnum was a temperance advocate. Once when he was giving an address, a man in the gallery howled, “How does alcohol affect us, externally or internally?” “Eternally,” flashed back Barnum.
Major Van Sickle of the Salvation Army was a great soulwinner. In Washington, D.C., he ministered to alcoholics. He told one of these men, “If you take the gospel of John and read it fifty times, I guarantee you deliverance from alcoholism.” Was that a bold thing to do? He did it. The man read John seven or eight times, and he got saved. He kept reading the gospel of John, and before long he was delivered. He came to know the truth and the truth set him free.
The major said that over a period of some five years he had one hundred conversions and deliverances from alcoholism by this simple advice: “Read the gospel of John fifty times and I guarantee you deliverance from this habit.”
The only time liquor makes a man go straight is when the road curves.
A drunken driver is an amateur chemist; he is mixing alcohol and gasoline.
Diogenes, a Greek philosopher, was given a large goblet of wine. He threw it on the ground. When blamed for wasting so much good liquor, he answered, “Had I drunk it there would have been double waste. I as well and also the wine would have been lost!”
Take one natural-born fool, add two drinks of liquor, and mix the two in a high-powered automobile. After the fool is thoroughly soaked, place one foot on gas and release brake. Remove fool from wreckage, place in black box, and garnish with flowers.
—Automobile Dealer
The A-B-Cs of Liquor
A- Arms more villains,
B- Breaks more laws,
C- Corrupts more morals,
D- Destroys more homes,
E- Engulfs more fortunes,
F- Fills more jails,
G- Grows more gray hairs,
H- Harrows more hearts,
I- Incites more crimes,
J- Jeopardizes more lives,
K- Kindles more strife,
L- Lacerates more feelings,
M- Maims more bodies,
N- Nails down more coffins,
O- Opens more graves,
P- Pains more mothers,
Q- Quenches more songs,
R- Raises more sobs,
S- Sells more virtue,
T- Tells more lies,
U- Undermines more youth,
V- Veils more widows,
W- Wrecks more men,
X- X-cites more passion,
Y- Yields more disgrace, and
Z- Zeroes more hopes
than any other enemy of mankind.
The Booze Bar
A bar to heaven, a door to hell,
Whoever named it, named it well.
A bar to manliness and wealth,
A door to want and broken health.
A bar to honor, pride, and fame,
A door to want and grief and shame.
A bar to hope, a bar to prayer,
A bar to darkness and despair.
A bar to honored, useful life,
A bar to brawling, senseless strife.
A bar to all that’s true and brave,
A bar to every drunkard’s grave.
A bar to joy that home imparts,
A door to tears and aching hearts.
A bar to heaven, a door to hell,
Whoever named it, named it well.
DRIVING
Drive so that your driver’s license expires before you do.
More truth than typographical error: “The driver approached the coroner at fifty miles an hour.”
The two greatest highway menaces are drivers under twenty-five going sixty-five and drivers over sixty-five going twenty-five.
—F. G. Kernam
DUTY
Duty is the most sublime word in the English language.
—Winston Churchill
One day during Colonial times a “dark day” occurred. When the sun seemed to disappear at midday, the people were so alarmed that many of them began to cry, thinking that the world was coming to an end.
Even the legislature was disturbed and confused. Some wanted to adjourn without delay. One stalwart member said, “I make a motion that we secure some candles and proceed with our business. If the end of the world is about to come, I want to be found doing my duty.”
DYING WORDS – DEATH
Give me laudanum that I may not think of eternity.
—Gabriel Mirabeau
All is now lost; finally, irrevocably lost. All is dark and doubtful.
—Edward Gibbon
I am about to take a leap in the dark. I shall be glad to find a hole to creep out of the world.
—Thomas Hobbes
I am abandoned by God and man! I shall go to hell! O, Jesus Christ!
—Voltaire
What blood, what murders, what evil counsel have I followed! I am lost; I see it well!
—Charles IX, King of France
I would give worlds, if I had them, if the Age of Reason had never been published. O, Lord, help me! Christ, help me! Stay with me! It is hell to be left alone!
—Tom Payne
I am suffering the pangs of the damned.
—Charles Talleyrand
Oh, that I could lie for a thousand years on the fire that never is quenched, to purchase the favor of God and be reunited to Him again! But it is a fruitless wish. Millions and millions of years will bring me no nearer to the end of torments than one poor hour. Oh, eternity, eternity! For ever and for ever! Oh, the insufferable pangs of hell!
—Francis Newport
Let down the curtain; the farce is over.
—François Rabelais
The chariot has come, and I am ready to step in.
—Margaret Prior
Eternity rolls up before me like a sea of glory.
—Jordan Antie
How bright the room! How full of angels!
—Martha McCrackin
I wish I had the power of writing; I would describe how pleasant it is to die.
—Dr. Cullen
The sun is setting; mine is rising. I go from this bed to a crown. Farewell.
—S. B. Bangs
Can this be death? Why, it is better than living! Tell them I die happy in Jesus.
—John Arthur Lyth
I am in perfect peace, resting alone on the blood of Christ. I find this amply sufficient with which to enter the presence of God.
—Mel Trotter
Oh, that I could tell you what joy I possess. I am full of rapture. The Lord doth shine with such power upon my soul. He is come! He is come!
—Mary Frances
I am ready.
—Woodrow Wilson
Thank God, I have done my duty.
—Horatio Nelson
My desire is to make what haste I may to be gone.
—Oliver Cromwell
Let us pass over the river and rest under the shade of the trees.
—Stonewall Andrew Jackson